{"id":1165,"date":"2011-06-22T15:18:46","date_gmt":"2011-06-22T14:18:46","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/bodhicharya.org\/manyroads\/?p=1165"},"modified":"2013-07-01T17:46:23","modified_gmt":"2013-07-01T16:46:23","slug":"sky-watcher-by-margaret-ford","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bodhicharya.org\/manyroads\/sky-watcher-by-margaret-ford\/","title":{"rendered":"Sky-Watcher by Margaret Ford"},"content":{"rendered":"

Life is constant change, right? We all know this. Sometimes change comes of its own accord and sometimes we just make it happen. This happened to me last year when I was given the opportunity to take early retirement from my job in the Scottish Government and I decided to go for it. The idea was to retire at the end of March 2011, so from last October until then I duly counted off the days waiting for \u2018the big day\u2019.\u00a0 What I hadn\u2019t bargained for was that my life was to change even more than giving up work I had done for nearly 30 years. My sons, who are in their mid-twenties, also decided it was time to fly the family nest and find their own place to live.\u00a0 So, by the end of April this year I no longer had a job and our house was emptier by two.<\/p>\n

Maybe I should explain that I was one of those women you see rushing around in a panic because there are not enough hours in a day.\u00a0 My life (until April) was spent working, shopping , cleaning and sleeping, not much more. Sleep was my ultimate joy because I didn\u2019t have to think or do anything, although sometimes in my dreams I found myself running, running after something I could never catch.\u00a0\u00a0 As a Buddhist I jealously listened to people talk about their retreats and \u2018practice\u2019.\u00a0 I wondered how they found the time for such luxuries but instead I gave any spare time to doing more; I helped organise travel schedules, I edited transcripts; I published books, I looked after bank accounts.\u00a0 Anything that needed doing to help the teacher, there I was.\u00a0 I decided that if I couldn\u2019t find time to practise that at least I could \u2018do\u2019 something. \u00a0Because \u2018doing\u2019 was what I was good at.<\/p>\n

But, by April, all that changed.\u00a0 At first it just seemed like another holiday. When people asked (and everybody asked) \u2018Well, how is retirement?\u2019 I usually admitted that it was too early to say.\u00a0 But, those first few weeks were euphoric.\u00a0 I was euphoric and felt free and full of some sort of crazy joy.\u00a0 Suddenly there seemed so much time to do anything I wanted to do.\u00a0 And everyone told me \u2018Oh, you\u2019ll be okay, you are always so busy, and you\u2019ll find something \/lots to do\u2019.\u00a0 So, why, after returning from a week in the sun, did I wake up one morning and think \u2018Well, what now? is this it? Is this the rest of my life?\u2019 And there was no answer.<\/p>\n

So, for maybe a month, that was how it continued. I would wake each day wondering who I was now.\u00a0 I would take out my list of \u2018things to do\u2019 and then put it away again. I would take out my carefully written \u2018practice plan\u2019 and then put it away again.\u00a0 Then I would watch TV, or sit on my bed and just watch the sky. \u00a0When sleeping I was no longer dreaming but instead would wake up in the wee small hours and wonder who I was. \u00a0What happened to the too busy running woman? Where had \u2018I \u2018 gone? I wondered if I had made the biggest mistake of my life, should I have stayed on at work?<\/p>\n

But, one day, very recently, I sat on my favourite spot (on my bed ) sky-watching as usual, when a memory came back to me.\u00a0 It was of a very small silent child sitting watching the sky, and it was me.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was born into a large noisy family.\u00a0 If you wanted to be heard you had to shout! But I never could shout quite hard enough so I usually found sanctuary and peace alone in my shared bedroom, yes, just watching the sky.\u00a0 Why I developed this habit I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 But, this was where I felt really at home. \u00a0Whenever I felt lost or afraid or lonely, the sky was always there.\u00a0 So, over fifty years later, here I was again, sky-watching.\u00a0 And when I remembered this it all fell into place and I was happy. \u00a0I listened to my heart beat and life flow through me and I was happy just to \u2018be\u2019.<\/p>\n

There are no great revelations here. I have no answers as to how we deal with big changes in our lives, and we can\u2019t escape change.\u00a0 Maybe, like me, it\u2019s when you no longer do the work you have given your life to, or your children leave home.\u00a0 It may be that you become sick and you\u00a0just can\u2019t carry on as you have before. \u00a0Or it may be that you lose someone you love and there is an empty space where there used to be someone you\u00a0needed to be in your life.\u00a0 There are many ways of coping with and accepting change.\u00a0 Most people, when they lose either a life\u2019s work or someone, try to fill up the loss with something or someone else.\u00a0 This is what I thought I would do when I retired and my sons left home.\u00a0 I had a \u2018plan\u2019.\u00a0 But what I hadn\u2019t counted on was that, although my head had a plan, my heart and mind wanted something else. \u00a0It\u00a0 took some time to understand what that was.\u00a0 It took time to realise that when life as you know it disappears and there is no ground under your feet, that there is suddenly a spaciousness that you can jump into instead of filling it up with something else.\u00a0 And if you can carry that spaciousness with you as you gradually find a new life or a new someone, then that is a very\u00a0precious gift.\u00a0 Maybe there is no need to be someone but just to \u2018be\u2019.<\/p>\n

Now, I think it\u2019s time for more sky-watching!<\/p>\n

About the Auth<\/strong>or<\/strong>:<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Margaret lives in Scotland and has been trying to understand and practise\u00a0 Dharma for about forty years. She has been a student of Ringu Tulku since 1993.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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