I am trying to break free but have now discovered that breaking free won’t break me free of my emotions. You know life is funny, you think that you know what to do and what path to take but this can change.
All my life I have been abused mentally and emotionally by my parents and this is difficult when you’re growing up in this “ego minded” world but I feel finally I have captured inner strength by letting go of fears and beliefs that were causing me to drown in the dark shadow of others.
Ever since I could remember I always believed things would be perfect for me if I ran away from my problems but I have finally understood that was only a fairytale ending. You can run away but your problems will run like the wind with you. My life has never been easy, I guess that’s the same for a lot of people but I was also a negative person in my troubles. Always thinking of the worst, always blaming others rather than looking at myself and how really wonderful I am. But I can see the light now and that was not me. I was influenced by others and being an innocent, naive young girl I thought that was normal. But in reality I was living a life that others wanted me to live and it was all an illusion.
My parents have put the whole world’s fears in me; manipulating me that if I did this then that would happen. “Don’t do this in case someone sees you and remember the family’s image” – their voices still ringing in my ears today, repeating the same beliefs. And being a young Asian girl, with parents from India I believed them, every word they said, I believed them. So instead of shouting out and expressing myself, I suppressed everything, all my frustration and I was a replica of my mum and she loved that.
Everyday it would be another thing they would stop me from doing, eventually everything stopped and I didn’t have a social life and I couldn’t escape into the delightful wonders of a book because I was emotionally tired. All I ever did was please my mum, she had this unstoppable control over me and it hurt. I wasn’t able to show my true colours and I didn’t understand life.
All those fears I absorbed from then are still visible to this day and it has been difficult letting go of their energy and power over me.
I would like to share how it has been possible for me to change. It was being introduced to a healer who helped me identify that none of it was mine, it was my parents fear which I was playing out and running away was not going to solve that.
I had to stand up for myself, find the true me who was lost. No one wanted to find me because if I was found I would be bring shame to the family. But now, by identifying and releasing their absorbed energy and thoughts, it has helped me see that I’m not a bad person and now I want to live my life and be thankful that I have this opportunity to develop my spirit.
Life isn’t easy; it’s not meant to be. It’s a journey, a chance to balance karma; let go and forgive and most importantly feel what you need to feel and feel completely from the heart! This is the journey I’m on now and I’m truly grateful.
Hello Blue Butterfly!
Fear is an inauthentic emotion but many a time we are taken in by it, we might even believe it is “Me” I have in the past fallen into these fear holes, these emotional states which almost overwhelm us. I admire your courage and determination to break free. Being able to witness those emotions and unclear states of mind has helped me so much. It begins to create a distance between you and those emotions and ultimately to see them for what they are – empty of any reality whatsoever. This is the way I do it and I hope it might be also helpful to you: -“Whatever I can witness is not me! I can see and feel my body, therefore I am not my body. I am aware of my thoughts, therefore I am not my thoughts. I am aware of my emotions, therefore I am not my emotions…and so on. What am I? I am the pure witness of all of that and therefore free from it all”. It is a practice, a very powerful one when practised consistenly.
We all have fears and insecurities and it is very good, I think, to be able to connect with others who might be working with the same ego problems. So I thank you for sharing, Blue Butterfly, such a beautiful name!